Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Wal*mart Cup - Day IV

Negotiations are continuing at a frantic pace. It is enough of a done deal that teams and tracks have been notified to remove any and all reference to Sprint/Nextel in preparation for the arrival of the new Wal*mart Cup logo. Graphic designers back in the Bentonville, AR home offices are scrambling to come up with just the right catchy guarantee the fans will immediately recognize and enjoy. Rumor has it that the roll back the prices guy, holding a beer in one hand and a cheesy trophy in the other has the inside track. I wonder if the dangling James Deanesque cigarette will be incorporated as well.

We haven't seen the new championship scoring...but it is no secret that the "Chase" is history. Someone has finally discovered that it is the fans that actually pay for the sport and since they universally hated the artificial championship format....that sucker is gone. In an effort to instill a sense of fair play that NASCAR couldn't seem to grasp, any team penalized for cheating during the course of the season would be ineligible to win the championship. Face it, race fans aren't stupid...and they don't want their champions to be either...if you get caught cheating, you don't deserve to be champion. Also gone is the stupid penalty for a driver displaying a little emotion. Accidentally let slip the F-bomb and you won't be losing points and bucks...the folks in Bentonville only believe in censoring music! Really, think about it...Tony Stewart leads the first 450 laps of the race and is preparing to lap 43rd place Michael Waltrip for the 82nd time....when Michael's immense talent comes to a boil and he turns dead left into Tony in mid-pass...putting them both on the hauler. Do you really want to hear an interview where Tony tell us what a lovely sportsman Michael is, or would you really like to hear what he thinks?

It looks like we will still have to look at the ugly Cars of Tomorrow/Today for at least the immediate future, but expect that come the July race at Daytona...teams will be back in something that looks like a stock car...powered by "stock" motors....if the only engine a consumer can buy in a Toyota is a 4 cylinder...then the only engine in a Toyota on track will be a 4 cylinder. If the biggest V-8 available in the Chevy Malibu is 305 cubic inches...then that is going to be the maximum displacement come race day. One other little kicker will happen while the teams are refueling at the Murphy Oil/Sam's Club gas pumps....each car will be allowed a maximum of 30 gallons of gas for a 500 mile race. Wal*mart is all about green these days and fuel economy standards for the race teams will help reinforce that point.

I hope we have all the details ironed out before the start of speed week!

Friday, January 30, 2009

The Wal*mart Cup - Day III

Wow...just got wind of some exciting news about the impending Wal*mart/NASCAR merger. The changes are happening so fast that it is hard to keep track of them all. Here are a few of the highlights that have come to my attention in this morning's press releases. know the little old ladies that push around the microwave and hot plate carts at Sam's Club? Well guess what? They are taking over the concessions at the tracks. They even have an agreement in principle that will allow them to keep those spiffy hair nets! There will be a veritable gourmet selection of items to choose from, the only catch being you are going to have to buy one of those industrial sized frozen packages if you wish more than the one bite sample.

Pit stops...the days of pulling into the pits in front to main grandstand is over. Starting immediately, all tracks will be reconfigured with an exit ramp that leads directly to the Wally*world Express Tire and Lube Center. Cars will be serviced by the crack teams of service technicians voted as the best in regional competitions among all North American Wally*worlds. Cars will be serviced on a first come, first served basis...and all the action will be displayed for the fans on the new Vizio big screens. As an added bonus for the fans, they will be able to purchase the TVs after the demo prices! was previously mentioned, you will be able to put tickets on layaway and make easy weekly payments. Yes, there is a down side to this method, a ticket that would normally cost you $100 will end up being $200...but you will be able to make simple $4 weekly payments. Ticketmaster and other ticket venues will be totally out of the will only be sold at the new NASCAR customer service desk located in Wally*world Supercenters. All tickets will become first come, first served items. Tickets for the following year's race will go on sale at 8a.m. Tuesday mornings following the completion of each event. Infield spectators and campers will now purchase tickets in the same fashion as everyone else. Ticket packages will come in 4 levels...Level 1 - The Springer Show Rejects @ $25 each - the first 10 rows at any track...Level 2 - Trailer Trash @ $50 each - the second 10 rows at any track, any obstructed view seat and general admission to the two road courses...Level 3 - Fancy Rich Bitch @ $100 each - all remaining grandstand seats from row 21 and up, also the base fee for all infield spectators and campers (each person and each RV in the infield must have a ticket)...Level 4 - The Fat Cat Package @ $999.99 - formerly known as the luxury boxes, now available to anyone with the cash. External camping is free with a $250 purchase that the trackside Supercenter or $100 with any lesser qualifying purchase ($150 minimum).

Watch this space for further updates!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Wal*mart Cup - Day II

I think more and more people are starting to embrace this concept. Face it...NASCAR, Wal*mart and trailer parks go hand in hand, just ask any Formula One fan. Cheap beer, generic cigarettes, trashy women, toothless Skoal chomping rednecks, jacked up pick-up trucks and Confederate flags....are common denominators for all three venues.

Somebody is bound to ask what trailer parks have to do with this. Have you ever been to a NASCAR event? One look around and you will see the ultimate mobile home park, one that relocates every single week for 36 weeks before retiring to Florida for a couple of months. It is hard to believe that they don't experience a tornado every single week, given that most of the racetracks are located in the heart of tornado alley. Under Wal*mart will have the option of putting their mobile homes up on blocks at their favorite track...they can pay their $50 weekly rent at the customer service desk.

In a radical departure from previous title sponsors, Wal*mart says that it has no desire to demand other sponsors be banned from the track, instead they will just roll back their prices until the competition cries uncle. That means great news for Chip Ganassi, who can now keep Target (to be pronounced tar-zhay from now on, so that it sounds more sophisticated) as one of the prime sponsors of his team. The cell phone carriers will all be back as sponsors long as they agree to put kiosks in every Wally*world and Club Sammy.

Now for the real bombshell. Wal*mart is going to announce that Walgreens is actually a part of the Wally*world family and will be taking over as title sponsor of the former Busch/Nationwide series. They will be handing out free Viagra and condoms to Saturday race fans....and will offer free in-house early pregnancy screenings for 30 days after each race weekend.

Even with all these big changes in the wind...look for one more. Wally*world will absorb Camping World....and the truck racing series will become the Sam's Club Series. Your whole under one macro-economic umbrella. Who could ask for more?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

NASCAR Needs a New Title Sponsor

Rumor has it that Sprint/Nextel is in dire financial straits. Layoffs are at hand and the stockholders are screaming for fiscal responsibility. As a direct result, Sprint/Nextel is canceling their title sponsorship of NASCAR and all other sports events.

Given this sudden financial void...what's a series to do? Certainly they can't fund it on their who best to step in as the lead sponsor? The answer is simple...Wal*mart! Face it, Wal*mart already gets the bulk of the average NASCAR fan's paycheck each and every jumping in as a sponsor, they have opened the door to collecting the entire paycheck.

Look for a huge new NASCAR branded section to slap you in the face the second you enter you nearest WallyWorld. Gone is the handful of NASCAR t-shirts from the men's department...instead you will find full blown souvenir trailers in every store...if it pertains to will find it at your local store...from tickets to the next race to camping permits to race worn driver's will find it on the shelves.

Each NASCAR track will feature a Super Wally*mart in their parking lot. Forget your sleeping bag? No problemo ace! Just wander over to Wally's and snag all your weekend needs. Want a better seat for next year's race? Again, no problemo...just put those tickets on layaway and make easy weekly installments! One stop shopping folks...we have you covered!

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Simple one word title, crazy deep implications. I am thoroughly perplexed by Iranian fascination with my blog, my websites and my various social networking pages. I don't take pictures of potential terrorist targets. I have no affiliation with any government or government agency. I am not a lobbyist, nor am I connected to any particular politician. I live out in the middle of nowhere....where a terror attack is primarily going to scare some cows.

So, what in the hell is the fascination? I can't see that the average Iranian would have any burning desire to get into the world of a small town American. There certainly isn't any intrigue or mystery in my corner of the world.

Oh darn...I think I just figured it out. These clowns think my basement was Dick Cheney's undisclosed location....Guess again. I can also assure you that it won't be Joe Biden's undisclosed location either....Sarah Palin might have gotten an invite, but she wouldn't have been able to see Russia from here.

I know that someone will do I know that my various elements of web presence are being viewed by Iranians? The answer is very simple. You can't see it, but each and every page that I have includes some form of tracking device so that I can see what is popular or not, as well as who it is or isn't popular with. So regardless if you are in Boring, Oregon or Santiago, Chile...even Tehran, Iran, I have some idea who is checking me out.